provision.

We were asked what our theme verse was going to be during this season of DTS; when I was on the plane, I was praying about the same thing, I kept asking Lord, what can I go back to for encouragement, revelation and hope? He was faithful in giving this one:
Philippians 3:14 says, "I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus."
Coming into YWAM, I was passionate about Christ. The only thing I'm really good at is believing and holding on to the whole hearted truth that He exists. I haven't ever been good at math, or science. I love English and history fascinates me but they didn't motivate me. I didn't wake in the morning craving to give God glory through any 'gifts' like sports or song, but by simply living my life. My decisions haven't always presented my Holy God in Holy light, and my life has been a wreck more than once. I haven't read through all the bible or spoke in tongues. I have failed and will continue to. Through all of it, though He held on to His promise(s) and because of that, my passion only ignited. His truth is fire in my lungs. His grace is a flowing of tears. His love is unfathomable so, I came in knowing ministry was what I wanted. I didn't know where or what that looked like and I still don't know but,
This season, I press.
Towards the goal of heaven.
Towards the goal of that heavenly call I can't see.
Towards the prize that will be given when I answer that call.

quiet your heart.

People say you can't fathom heaven which is probably true, but I imagined heaven today.

there's something humbling about running alongside the pacific ocean, listening to the rush of waves kissing the shore. i imagined being complete, fully. breathing in eternal air or maybe, in heaven we won't need fragile lungs to sustain us. smiling at my eternal lover bowing at his feet. i imagined being full, completely. needing nothing but my wings to fly and my heart to soar to keep me. seeing only the steps in front of me with not one care in my head. praises were instantly spewing from my mouth; that'll be my accent when i return home, praises. i imagined being complete, fully. the sun may not always set, or rise where i'm going but the son will always be. sand may not always pivot under my weight or soak up each drop of water when i reach paradise but the rock will have been faithful. what i know here may not be known there,

but I imagined heaven today.

doors unlocked and open.

Leaving my country. Leaving my father's house. Leaving my spiritual kin.
It's time. It'll take faith to wake each morning praying to die to self. It'll take faith to step into a foreign world. It'll take faith to compassionately understand each story. It'll take faith to choose biting my tongue when I think I'm right. It'll take faith to love friends and family in different time zones. It will take faith,
that's where Jesus comes in.
He's done far more than I could ever accomplish but I pray to accomplish what I will in His name, for His glory. May I be like Abram, and go; not question, and go, not doubt and go, but go.

Genesis 12:1,5 says, "Now the Lord said to Abram, 'Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you....So, Abram went."

Lord, I'm coming.

the last month;

My goal has been to soak up every inch of this place, my home. My goal has been to remember each line on each face, and laugh until my abs feel like they just did P90X. My goal has been to write the plains of Michigan upon my heart, and the hugs of my family members in my arms. My goal has been to run my last lap here, and run it well.
It's been pretty successful.

These are the things I sacrifice, these are the moments I leave, these are the people I love going on without me. I take rest in knowing the foundations aren't established in the crumbling of this Earth, but on the rock of Christ. I enter into a new season with just my camera and faith by my side; ever trusting in a God I cannot see with the scope of my humans eyes but am continually seeing with the retinas of my heart.
Thank you, Father for giving such extraordinary gifts in such extraordinary people. Thank you, God for equipping me through each of them. Thank you, Jesus for choosing me on the cross to also come and die. Thank you, Spirit for putting within me revelation and wisdom. Impress these memories upon my heart; allow me to pull them out when I miss the taste of lakes and smiles. I know I'll come back as if no time has passed and all the familiar monuments will be the same, and I'll figure out it was me who changed, it was them who grew. Thanks for even those precious moments of hope. God, I love you.

prayer.

"Disturb us, Lord, when we are too pleased

with ourselves, when our dreams have come 

true because we dreamed too little, when we 

arrived safely because we sailed too close to 

the shore. Disturb us, Lord."

my own fairy tale.

This boy sought my heart through Jesus Christ, and captured it on the 23rd of a cold January night. I watched months before as he captivated me without even knowing; his strumming of guitar for a God he knew intimately, his teasing and teaching with great love, his sitting with the least of these seeing the brokenness they've fled from, his loyalty to a family of nine. My relationships have been far and few from glorifying God, but still the Lord's redemption was more faithful than I ever have been and He gave me him. He gave me a relationship to set upon the foundation of Christ, to reflect the most beautiful relationship in the entire world (and for that, I'm beyond thankful).
In ten days, I'll be living in a foreign country and,
I think I may just miss that smile the most.
The way it ties around my fragile heart and keeps my swelling tears from falling. The way it smirks at me after a disagreement and pulls me to a peace of mind. The way it quietly loosens the guard of my heart and embraces the obvious imperfections of my flesh. The way it's committed and the way it's committing.
I have a hard time fathoming the gift that he's been to me.
He has reached in and questioned the places I've hardened to pull out the potential I blinded myself to. He's gently challenged me to look within; within the motives, and the words, and the actions and allowed me to ponder whether those were mine or God's. Never forcing the realization that more often than not they were mine. He's stayed by my side and fought as I pushed away and he's confessed the vulnerability of his heart so that I may benefit from his failures. He's smiled warmly as I've simply grown. He exuberates 'Love is patient' by patiently awaiting my responses in the long moments of silence.
This gift has been wrapped carefully just for me, it seems.
He's part of the reason I keep going.
He's part of the reason I keep seeking.
He's part of the reason I can smile.
He's part of the reason I can hope.

The other part, the main part is the One whose given.
and He's given freely, not just in the body of Samuel Erwin but in the grace of His Son,
and in that grace, I've been rescued time and time again
but on January 23rd, He chose to have his warrior, my gift
rescue me.

confession.

the deeper i become with god, the deeper i dig and pray and study; the more he shows me my very loose ended heart. i deceive myself so greatly that most of the sin he reveals, i stand there shocked as if i just heard the most appalling accusation, and it is - appalling. i'm appalled at my blinded but awakened and alert to his faithfulness. i'm appalled by the way the ones nearest to me are treated as a result of my selfishness, or pride, or rebellion, or impatience but thrilled to know there is a way out.
i'm learning that jesus waited. he waited on the ones he loved, he waited to heal and to bring hope at just the right second, he waited on his father to supply with exactly what he needed for that day, he waited to teach his disciples, he waited a grueling six hours on the cross to bear the sin of the world and i claim waiting is out of the picture. i roll my eyes and i feel the burning of evil in my heart forming walls because for the life of me, i cannot wait; wait in the everyday things, the pause of a conversation, the figuring out of directions, a line. it dumbfounds me how buried my sin, but my god is good enough to bring it to light.
i'm learning that jesus respected those below him, he would regard the lowly, he would care for the sick. i'm learning i need to respect all those above, every authority he's placed to keep me in place. i rebel instead of respect. i speak out when i know i shouldn't just so i can feel in control. i walk away when something isn't going my way because it's natural not to want to deal with conflict. it results in the breaking of hearts that i never wanted.
i'm learning that my pride solidifies both of those things in place, and i'm learning my savior's humility solidified his work for the kingdom in place, and that is such a gloriously captivating truth.
i'm so grateful my god loves me just as i am, but loves me enough to make sure i don't stay this way so, he challenges me and gives me opportunity, he inscribes verses on my heart to recall in the midst of impulse.
he gives the newness of life.
i am dead, he is risen within me.

hallelujah.