confession.

the deeper i become with god, the deeper i dig and pray and study; the more he shows me my very loose ended heart. i deceive myself so greatly that most of the sin he reveals, i stand there shocked as if i just heard the most appalling accusation, and it is - appalling. i'm appalled at my blinded but awakened and alert to his faithfulness. i'm appalled by the way the ones nearest to me are treated as a result of my selfishness, or pride, or rebellion, or impatience but thrilled to know there is a way out.
i'm learning that jesus waited. he waited on the ones he loved, he waited to heal and to bring hope at just the right second, he waited on his father to supply with exactly what he needed for that day, he waited to teach his disciples, he waited a grueling six hours on the cross to bear the sin of the world and i claim waiting is out of the picture. i roll my eyes and i feel the burning of evil in my heart forming walls because for the life of me, i cannot wait; wait in the everyday things, the pause of a conversation, the figuring out of directions, a line. it dumbfounds me how buried my sin, but my god is good enough to bring it to light.
i'm learning that jesus respected those below him, he would regard the lowly, he would care for the sick. i'm learning i need to respect all those above, every authority he's placed to keep me in place. i rebel instead of respect. i speak out when i know i shouldn't just so i can feel in control. i walk away when something isn't going my way because it's natural not to want to deal with conflict. it results in the breaking of hearts that i never wanted.
i'm learning that my pride solidifies both of those things in place, and i'm learning my savior's humility solidified his work for the kingdom in place, and that is such a gloriously captivating truth.
i'm so grateful my god loves me just as i am, but loves me enough to make sure i don't stay this way so, he challenges me and gives me opportunity, he inscribes verses on my heart to recall in the midst of impulse.
he gives the newness of life.
i am dead, he is risen within me.

hallelujah.