here today, gone tomorrow.

In the past week, I've traveled over 4,000 miles - all of which were consumed with wonder. A wonder of what life looks like without my number one fan, a wonder of why death isn't so heart wrenching, a wonder of how hope is evident in such pain. The sudden passing of a loved one is a strange thing; as much as it happens, I'm still surprised, and astonished. I find myself trying to understand how, why, what. I had 2,000 miles to process, to weep, to rejoice and to look forward. I kept thinking a part of me would eventually die over the week because so much of me was formed by her, so many of my thoughts were confirmed in her and so many of my prayers were for her but it didn't. What happened was that an even bigger part of me came alive because of her. Devastation can cause us to dwindle in self pity and longing. Or. Devastation can bring revelation and realization. I chose to realize;

Realize the celebration of life. Realize that death has lost it's sting. Realize I will sing with her again.

I write this smiling. God has taken the most horrendous thing in my life thus far and turned it absolutely into a radiant glow; it's amazing. There's peace instead of hysteria, there's warmth of comfort instead a shiver of the unknown, there's fellowship instead of heart ache. I mean, really, it's amazing. The way God orchestrates details in life is beautiful, is delicate, is with our best interest at heart; I'm honored, humbled, encouraged.
Honestly, I'm just thankful. My cheeks burst with gratitude because my timing is not His. All of me wishes for her to be at my wedding, and to see New York with me, and to hold my child but she won't. And that's okay. She's walking without pain, she's dancing without shame, she's totally and completely full.
That swells me with joy. with hope. with thanksgiving.

Thanks, God that you have a perfect plan. That you hold and cradle when we can't even stand. That you rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn because You are a loving God, a living God, a caring God. May those who only know religion, see Your perfect relationship; may those who ache have hope; may those who only comprehend the temporal, trust in the eternal.
I love you, keep my grandma smiling until I get there.