spring days.

Today, my brother and I were playing soccer. It was an unseemingly gorgeous day with the sounds you'd expect on that kind of day - birds chirping, kids laughing, bikes belling. We were playing in the side yard of my house, smaller than a soccer field as trees for our goals. It was fun and we were laughing. I took the soccer ball little by little to the left then kicked it to the right and scored. Dakota loves to make long kicks, the ones you have no chance of blocking and so that's the one he used for his first goal of the game. We went back and forth and I made another goal but it went across the street. We have this rule where if another gets a goal, we grab the ball and start the next round. So, I imagined him grabbing the ball and bringing it back in. Then, something changed. His shoulders slumped, his lip got poutty and his head looked only downwards. "I quit!", he said beginning to go torwards the ball.
"You quit?", I asked, "Why?!"
"I'm losing!"
"Kota, you can't just quit when you're losing."
...or when you feel like you are.
I am my little brother. In this season of my life where I feel like I'm losing, I take on slumped shoulders and with my bad attitude I proclaim "I quit!" and start walking away from the game. I wasn't quitting my faith because I still talked to God every day, had faith He would raise me up and tried enjoying each moment. But like that 8-year-old, feeling like I had no chance, I quit. Quit being hopeful. Quit my relationships. Quit trying. Just plain out quit.
I explained to Dakota that if he kept going, it would be worth it. So, he decided to stay.
The score was 2-1, my lead.
Then, it was 2-2.
And, 2-3.
Then, 2-4.
I promise you I was trying but like I said, he likes those long ones I can never seem to get. Again, though, I saw something change. As he was trying with all his heart and making it, he became more passionate about making the next one and the next one. He was focused and excited, he was trying and winning. Then, God whispered to me, "Emily, you can't just quit when you're losing...or feel like you are. You may not understand this season, but that's okay. I'm your hope; I am who I am and I will not fail you."
I laughed at myself (seriously, the best medicine) and whispered, "Thanks."
He further explained to the depths of my heart that if I kept going, it would be worth it.
So, I decided to keep going. To keep trusting. To keep seeking because those who seek, find. Then, something changed. I was focused and excited, I was passionate and knew I was winning and always would be with Christ as my all in all. With Christ as my strength and hope, with Him as my joy and praise. He's disciplining me, He's teaching me and He's loving me.
Between me (and my awesome God) and life, the score is 1-0, my lead.

time capsule.

a month and two days.
i celebrated with a walk, a few books and a bench in a park. i didn't celebrate being back in america, but surviving being back. the american dream is all around me but i just feel like i'm in a dream - an alternate universe, where i'm supposed to belong but don't - looking for an exit but not finding one, like in a dream. lonliness catches up to me most of the days but my imagination takes me to chicago, or better yet, panama or even best, mexico. my room is more of a storage unit than a safe santuary and my friends are more of a comfort than a reality. thankful, though. for ten other people who know yet keep going. for a god who knows yet keeps pushing. for a friend who doesn't have a clue but keeps trying. for a sun that peaks out on my cloudy days, and a couch that snuggles me as i read the living word.
this is my life for now, not forever.
looking forward to that not forever part.

summary.

Driving past the old stomping grounds of high school, driving towards a familiar home, driving by buildings that have only become older since I've left, I find myself wondering where the past five months have all went. Are they stored in the logic of my brain? Are they wrapped as treasures in my heart? Are they mere memories I dreamed up? I find myself wondering how I'm not exploding because to fit all those faces in the compartments of my understanding would be an overload. But somehow, God has done it. 

He has etched the joy of Chepo, a village in Panama, throughout my veins.

He has carved the features of the Ngobe people into my mind. 

He has encouraged me through pastors who have nothing, yet willing to give everything.

He has continually moved my spirit to prayer for the lost of San Jose; the kids with drug addicted parents, the prostitutes with lies being their truth, the onlookers with helplessness, the foreigners trying to bring Jesus.

He has placed a longing to fulfill the simple gestures; a hug, prayer, laugh.

He has weighted me down with a compassion for every life I meet.

It was my PRIVILEGE to live out of a backpack for the cause of Christ, with limited clothes, and comforts. It was an HONOR to eat rice and beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It was a JOY to walk miles throughout a jungle proclaiming the good news, in 80 degree weather. It was a BLESSING to be peed on by a baby and to lose sleep because of roosters and late nights of praying. It was a PRIVILEGE to lead 50 rowdy kids. It was a JOY to learn a new cultural, not doing things the I thought they should be done. It was a BLESSING to leave my phone, car, house behind. Many would say I sacrificed so much in the past five months, I would say I gained far more in the past five months. And would you actually believe I miss it?

    

"Listen, my beloved brothers and sisters. Has not God chosen the poor in the world to be rich in faith and to be heirs of the kingdom that he has promised to those who love him?"

Thank you, God that your kingdom is a kingdom upside down. Thank you, God that you are everywhere, all the time. Thank you that it's not up to me to save the world. Thank you that I can lose all things and still have everything I need. Thank you for teaching me, loving me, growing me. Fill the void in my heart for the places I'm no longer at; I ask for wisdom in the coming steps. May I bring your name glory.